Stalking Is a Way of Life

Songs to Get You in the Stalking Mood

Ever wish you had a soundtrack playing in the background as you watch your victim sleep through their bedroom window? Looking for that perfect mix of songs to bob your head to as you take pictures of your love from across the street? Well look no further my friends, because Stalker Tips is going to be posting a song for the stalking soul everyday for the next week! Never again will your long nights in the bushes be silent except for your heavy breathing and the quiet clicking of a camera shutter. Now you can rock while you stalk!

Note: We do not guarantee stalking success from listening to these songs, they are simply meant to add atmosphere. We also do not recommend singing any of these songs to your lover. Save them for the shower (yes, of course we mean the shower in your victim’s bathroom).

Stalking Tip #18

If you are anything like us, you love staring at your true love. A million hours of fixing your eyes on their perfect face would hardly be enough satiate your affection. Yet, the unfortunate fact is that staring is generally considered “socially unacceptable” and “creepy” and “not appropriate” in most social situations… unless you are a security guard at a fancy department store and some young ruffians just walked in - then you are expected to stare at them exclusively with a condescending glare. But you know what is almost as bad as getting caught staring? When people see you staring and then you quickly jerk your head in a different direction and very awkwardly stare at the ceiling like, “I am so fascinated with this skylight! I can’t stop staring at it in a totally innocent way!” So here are some alternative ideas that you can practice at home and maybe next time your staring won’t be so obvious:

1. Blurt out “Gosh, living with Narcolepsy is such a pain it’s like-” and then collapse and pretend to be asleep for a couple minutes. This will totally throw them off the trail because narcolepsy is a serious medical condition and they will be too concerned to be creeped out.
2. Shift your gaze over a few centimetres and pretend you’re looking at someone behind them and maybe even pretend to wave at your “friend” behind them, or even say something like “Hey friend! I’ve been watching you walk here and it’s cool because we’re friends!” and then walk past your love and hope they don’t realize that you are talking to a garbage can behind them and actually don’t have any friends.
3. Loudly comment on how blind you are and how you just wish people would stop thinking you were looking at them because gosh, haven’t they ever seen a blind person before and not everything revolves around them and how dare you imply that I was staring I am actually very severely visually impaired and it’s not funny millions of people are blind around the world!
4. Lick your lips, wink slowly and maybe wiggle your eyebrows a little bit.
5. No, wait! Please don’t do step #4 it has a very poor success rate and in several cases has led to arrest.
6. Seriously, just forget step number 4, what are you - a creep?
7. Roll your eyes to the back of your head, start drooling and shaking. Creepy people don’t have seizures, so you are sure to not give them the idea that you’re weird.
8. Slowly lift a book in front of your face and pretend to be reading. Note: this does not work with any of the following titles:
   - The Essential Guide To Stalking by Judith C. Carmens
   - Hiding in Bushes for Dummies by Robert Peters
   - The Joy of Creeping by Linda Meyers
   - Hunting Humans and Other Borderline, But Very Fun Activities by Richard P. Tompkins
   - Yes, I Was Staring by Sosue Mi (this critically acclaimed novel actually has nothing to do with stalking, but the title may answer a question that you don’t want your victim asking, so it’s best to be avoided)

Stalker Tip #17

Keep things interesting by engaging in one-night stalks! Sure, it’s great to have a long term stalking relationship where you really get to know everything about a person and memorize the exact hue of their eyes so that you can buy the right shade of embroidery floss for the cross-stiched tapestry of you two on your wedding that you’ve been working on (should be finished in a couple of years - plenty of time to meet them, make them fall in love with you and get them to marry you). However, this is the 21st century and stalking is defined in looser terms now. There is nothing wrong with having a little side “project” every now and then. A one-night stalk can keep you happy, healthy and satisfied while you’re in the long haul with your primary victim. One-night stalks involve meeting someone new (and cute!) and then simply spending the night with a bottle of wine and your Facebook while you eagerly lap up every piece of information on this person you can find. Relish in the joy of learning their name of the first time. Remember how good it feels the first time you creep through their vacation photos. These simple joys are so exciting and yet so easily forgotten when you’ve committed to a true stalking process which normally takes years. And don’t worry - in the morning you can simply roll out of bed and forget about little fling and get back to the bushes where you watch your TRUE love every day as they walk to work.

Stalker Tip #15

Throughout your career as a stalker you may sometimes find yourself in uncomfortable situations. No, I’m not talking about that time you were in a tree and got a kink in your neck from trying to see inside your victim’s window, I’m talking about something much scarier than that. Talking to your true love. Although it may seem impossible, it’s not an uncommon occurrence. If you’re adamant about your stalking, you’ll probably be spending 15-18 hours of the day in the same venue as your victim (not including their closet), which is bound to generate some interaction. Talking to your love can be a great thing if you are prepared, so here are some Do’s and Don’ts for conversing with a victim.

Situation #1

You’re sitting in a café a few tables away from your true love, subtly watching their every move, when suddenly they get up to go buy a coffee. You automatically get up and stand behind them in line, despite the full cup at your table. Then, out of nowhere, your love turns around, stares deeply into your eyes, and asks if they can borrow a quarter. What do you do?

Don’t: Give them the deer in headlights look. This strategy may work in class to simulate stupidity or deafness in order to avoid answering a question, but in the real world you just look plain crazy. And the only type of insanity you want your true love to see is how crazy in love you are with them… Another don’t for this situation would be using the line, “The only currency I use is sexual favours.” Although this may seem like it would be alluring and mysterious, it often has the opposite effect, causing your lover to run away.

Do: Smile sweetly at your true love and offer to purchase the coffee for them. You can then invite them to your table and laugh the afternoon away over how much you have in common and are seemingly meant to be together. And if you happen to slip something into their drink in order to “persuade” them to come home with you, then so be it.

Situation #2

It’s nearly dinnertime and you’re following your love home after a hard day of watching them work. You’re being careful to keep at least one arm’s length between you and them at all times, don’t want to get too creepy. Suddenly, a crack jumps up from the sidewalk and trips you, causing you to vault forwards, and knock your true love over. They then turn around and say something along the lines of, “What the hell?!” What do you do?

Don’t: Take this opportunity to pin them to the ground and smother them with a chloroform rag. There’s a time and place for everything… Another don’t would be to place your ear to their chest and say, “Your heart is beating so fast, are you excited to see me?” or to bury your face in their jacket, deeply inhale, and say, “This is my favourite scent on you, did you know we’d be meeting today?” Although these may seem like cute things to say, they could result in physical harm done onto you courtesy of your true love.

 Do: Quickly pry yourself from the entanglement of limbs and offer your victim some help up. You should then ask them if they’ve been harmed in any way (if they have, then you get to spend a couple of hours in the hospital together!), and if they’d like you to walk them home. If they say yes, remember to comment on how nice their house is, and not on how they moved that flowerbed from the windowsill to beside the door. And if you do walk them home, make sure to be extra careful when you’re watching them sleep that night, your face will be fresh in their mind.

Situation #3

 It’s a Friday night and you’re at the bar your true love works security at with some friends (they’re more just props than anything, really). You would never be dumb enough to actually intake any alcohol, you need 100% focus in order to concentrate on your true love. Your friend, however, has had a few too many and is stumbling around making a fool of themselves. Suddenly, you feel a hand on your shoulder. It’s your victim. They say to you, “You should probably get them some water, or take them home.” What do you do? 

Don’t: Scream. The thought of actual physical contact may be terrifying, but screaming will just lead your victim to believe you’re crazy, which, as we learned before, is a bad thing. It could also lead to you getting kicked out of the bar, distancing you from your lover. Don’t put your hand on theirs, lace your fingers together, squeeze their arm, grab their face, smell their skin, lick their fingers or do any other sort of reciprocal action. A hand on the shoulder might be a proclamation of undying love to you, but to some it’s a simple, meaningless gesture (crazy, huh?).

Do: Smile politely at them and tell them that you need some assistance because you can’t possibly handle your friend alone (PSHH, YEAH RIGHT!). This is a foolproof way to get alone with your love because if they don’t help you, then you can get them fired! Get them to help you bring your friend out to your car, all the while being sure to keep the conversation flowing (remember, the fact that they like to sing “Hero” by Enrique Iglesias in the shower every morning is NOT a good topic of conversation). Once out to your car, maybe try to slip them your name/number or get theirs. If you’re really bold no one is saying you can’t take measures into your own hands to get them back to your house (the trunk has air holes, right?)…

So there you have it folks, some basic things to do and not to do when interacting with your love. Who says all conversation has to be painful and awkward? Oh, and if your victim catches you watching them from their closet… There’s no talking your way out of that one. Sorry.

Stalker Tip #14

In an ideal world you would never be out of range of vision with your victim. Unfortunately we all live on a cruel planet named “Earth” and so the ugly truth you will have to face is that there will be moments, days even, where you won’t be able to gaze dreamily at your victim. This is tragic, but you need to get up, wring the tears out of your pillow, and get proactive with your stalking by doing one easy thing: build a cardboard cut out of your victim.

For this simple solution to the fulfilment of your stalking urges you are going to need 6 things:

1. A photo taking device. This ideally would be a professional camera with a telephoto lens for far reaching stalkability, but for those of you on a tight budget, a camera phone should suffice.
2. A large piece of cardboard. Consider using the cardboard you were using for that imaginary spaceship you built last weekend, or buy a fridge and throw out the fridge but keep the box it came in. In the case that you are too sentimental about extraterrestrial travel or too cheap to buy a new fridge then you can just roam the streets until you find a sleeping homeless man and steal his house. Bingo.
3. A wide-format printer. This is one part of the process where you simply cannot skimp out. You are going to have to invest a couple grand on the Mimaki JV4 industrial sized printer. The good news is there is 24 hour delivery from Belgium available!
4. A human-sized piece of paper. Exact measurements would, of course, depend on the size of the person you are stalking. Make sure that you are very close to their exact height, or else the credibility of your fake victim will be entirely compromised.
5. Scissors. We cannot stress to you enough how important it is to have a good pair of scissors. This is going to be the instrument that delicately outlines the perfect body of your one true love and it is imperative therefore, that you use only the finest device. Hikari Dragon Cosmo scissors are described as having “New ergonomic funnel shaped finger holes allow your fingers to pivot and rotate, thus providing maximum comfort, control, and mobility with the least amount of stress.” and are sold for the incredible price of $1980.00
6. Glue. Elmer’s will do just fine. It’s just glue, no need to get crazy about anything here…. Gosh.

After you have assembled all of your supplies, it is merely a matter of attaining a photo of your victim, enlarging it, printing it out and then attaching it to your cardboard and - presto! Your very own love, all to yourself. Now you can stare at them for hours on end in a dark corner of your basement, without anyone having any notion of your obsession. You can even prop them up in the bed next to you… But you will have to role play that the two of you just got into a lover’s spat, or something, because if you actually try to get near to this person and attempt to cuddle with them, we can assure you that the cold, flat properties of the cut out will leave you feeling hollow and alone.